Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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