She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Drunk is a universal language darling
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