I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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