i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
