The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
