why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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