Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm too high and old for this...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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