Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
