Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm way too hungover for life right now
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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