THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
