Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
