Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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