tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
