I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
