Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
