Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
