I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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