It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
