I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
