I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
