I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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