Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
should my penis look like a turkey
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
