shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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