i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize