dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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