Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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