me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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