Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
