My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
