hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
