right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
