I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
