I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize