your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Someone came in the potted fern
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
