I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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