I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
