1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
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Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
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Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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