I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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