Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
