dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Please don't give away my fajitas
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
