New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
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Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
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When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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