Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
