Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
