my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
The ass gains better be worth it
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