I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
