then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
