hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
