i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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