Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
