you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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