My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Vodka?
Forever.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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