she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
