I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING