It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
