At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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