The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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