FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
